Has It Really Been 14 Days?

Blogs are harder to keep up with than I thought. Especially ones you plan to do on a daily basis. Some time towards the end of January lots of things became a bigger priority.

Personal issues, may be one of them. Along with trials of homeschooling a strong-willed child, trying to keep my business running and dealing with all of the household tasks as well. My DH is going to school right now and working two jobs. It stresses an already stressed relationship. An 18 year old son (today 19 years) struggling to figure out his life brings a dynamic that is often challenging.

I don't mean for this to be a complaint. Each trial brings blessings and lessons. I'm not a super-mom though and trials are difficult. They keep me from always having the time for personal projects that I am trying to work towards, like this blog. It has been heavy on my mind the past couple of days -- this personal walk with Christ/daily gratitude/peaceable walk journey that I am trying to keep going. Still, I ponder issues and feelings daily even though I don't get a chance to jot them down here at the computer. Then the other day my visiting teacher, from church, brings me the following quote:

'My peace is like a shaft of golden light shining on you continuously. During days of bright shunshine, it may blend in with your surroundings. On darker days, my peace stands out in sharp contrast to your circumstance. See times of darkness as opportunities for my light to shine in transcendent splendor. I am training you to practice peace that overpowers darkness. Collaborate with me in this training. Do not grow weary and lose heart."

What a powerful message. How thankful I am to this dear sister for being in tune with the spirit enough to bring this much needful message from the Lord. I was loosing heart. I as wondering if I could ever get to a place where I didn't just talk about it or ponder it, but that I had learned enough tools to apply it and feel it at a core level.

I've been keeping the index card she wrote the message on at my desk at the shop. I read it daily and try to look deep into the words for messages the Lord wants me to hear. I remember the day I was sitting in Sunday School, my mind on a few different issues. A scripture was being read, (the one posted at the top of this blog) and some discussion about the concept of being peaceable was being tossed about the room. I wasn't as plugged in as I usually am. Some how, in spite of what was rummaging around inside me, the spirit spoke to my heart about this principle and how important it was for me to study this and to understant it. I knew then, some time in the beginning of last December, that this was to be a mission I would undertake. I didn't know then, nor do I know now where this path will take me. What I do know, is that the Lord wants me on it.

Being Happy Through the Ups and Downs of LIfe

In my faith we speak often of being a happy people. I have often pondered about that when life can be so difficult and challenging. My walk through marriage has not been an easy one, nor has it been particularly happy. However, I have felt that one of my greatest gifts is that I do have a sense of joy and well being within myself. As a rule, I don't wake up mad or grumpy. I do have off days, from time to time, but that is not the norm for me. I can get on a soap box, for sure, or get upset at some injustice I feel. I can confidently say, the majority of people I come into contact with do not know when I am hurting or struggling. I don't wear my emotions on the outside to draw attention to my life's struggles. I know people like that and feel compassion for how life gets to them and in the same moment feel gratitude that that stumbling block is not my callenge. I just find happiness illusive in marriage and wonder what is wrong and why it is constantly this way.

Still.....I will continue on and try to give honor to my Father in Heaven and to those in my stewardships and to continue in gratitude all the days of my life. I may not ever get this walk right in this life. Thankfully I do not have to be perfect here -- only willing to try and to continue to do better.

Last Week's Walk and Gratitudes

(see the notes below on gratitude #15 regarding this picture)



Today's (January 19, 2009) gratitude, I suppose, should be about second chances. I was reminded yesterday by my bishop about a great principle taught regarding course correction (A Matter of a Few Degrees ). It is easy enough to get behind, but the longer you go before you get yourself back on track the wider the gap and the farther off course you become.





Last week, I certainly got off course. Days blended from one to another without time to make a written record of the things that were taking place or the thoughts that occupy my mind and heart. Today, before I get involved in my big project, I'll course correct and get back on track.


Today, I'm grateful for any chance that helps me continue down the path that I need to be on.





Gratitude 15: Thursday I had plans to post the picture of my gratitude. I've been thinking about this one for several days. This gratitude has to do with my daughter and her love of seeing things grow. She's been wanting to plant flowers and have a garden for as long as I can remember. She has always been a dirt digger (I'm an inside person, I work online, I read and while I love the outdoors -- it usually comes with too much heat for me) since I can remember. I'm grateful for her interests -- so that I can stretch. This picture (above), is one attempt (maybe a bit lame -- but for sure humorous) to get her something to grow.







Gratitude 16: Friday, I must say, I was not feeling especially grateful. The day was extremely cold. Sales have been down at the store this week due to the weather. It was the end of the week and I was tired and still behind. Today, about as much as I could muster -- was that at least when I got to work frozen, and in a bad mood (because the window wouldn't go down at the bank and I had to get out of the car at the drive-thru teller and hand her my deposit) that I could blast the heater at the store - because its covered in my lease and not something I have to worry how long or high I run it!





Gratitude 17: Saturday (and yes, I do think about these things each day -- not try to concot them at the last minute) I was thinking about being grateful for 'days off from school.' Saturday is fondly referred to as 'movie day' at work. We (my daughter and I) don't have any school work to do that day. Its the end of the week and we need a mental break (and I need something to occupy a child with so I can scrap). Movies in the DVD player of the laptop are a great blessing. Saturday we watched a great movie called "Secondhand Lions." Its is a great story about family and about values (especially for young boys -- but my daughter loves it too!). The layout turned out great, by the way, and it ended up being a great day.





Gratitude 18: Yesterday as I was driving to church my thought was that I was greatful for several things: 1. That it wasn't so cold out. 2. That my car has these amazing seat warmers (fondly referred to in my family as 'butt warmers'. 3. That there is a great stereo system in my car so that I can sing out loudly to my favorite church music while driving to church. I'd explain more on these gratitudes -- but I'm behind and working my way backwards. Hopefully there will be time another day for me to be more wordy.

Day 13 and 14

As you can tell Tuesday and much of today, Wednesday did not work out the way I had planned. There will be many hit and miss attempts at this process as I try to reflect on being peaceable and grateful as well as recording those reflections and changes.

I wish today I felt more peaceable. My husband stopped by my store today and try as I might I could not connect in the way either he or I wanted. He had an agenda that I put a demand on and we clashed. It is my biggest trial in life to be peaceable with him. I guess that is why I need this time this year, to teach myself what I am too stubborn (or maybe too hurt) to learn. Yet, learn I must to be what I want to be.

I found that image posted above on a blog that I follow. It was created by Julie Beck and has great significance to me today. As I ponder on the message "Woman of Stature.." I wonder what that might mean for me and what might be required of me to maintain the kind of stature that a peaceable woman would have.

Maybe today that position had a bit of crumbling around it. Maybe I did ok -- and it is just what and who I have to deal with. Something to reflect on, at least.

Today's Gratitude: Before I post today's gratitude, I want to save and come back to the one I had intended for yesterday. I have a particular image that I want to post for that one. One that makes me smile and I hope others too.

As for today: I am grateful for time. Time to ponder and to evaluate and to make adjustments. I know that it is not my purpose here to be perfect, but to learn to improve. I love President Hinckley's " a little more..." counsels. Be a little better. A little..there is a lot of hope in that and a lot of room to learn and to improve. Time - in time it will be more than a little, I hope. I time, it will be a grand improvement. In time, I will be the Woman of Stature I am now just trying to become.

Gratitude 11 & 12 of 365 and Walk Day 3

I don't usually get online on Sunday. I can see that my posts for Monday will likely contain two gratitudes.

Sunday's gratitude is about music. I love music and am grateful for the calling I have in my ward to conduct. It stretches me. It's not something I'm comfortable with in public. I can do it fine when I don't feel I'm being watched -- but what conductor is not watched? I'm grateful for the time to improve this skill and also to be the one to help bring the spirit into our meeting with the hymns we sing.

Today's gratitude is education. As I sit at home today and work with my 7 year old I am grateful that I have this time with her. We have struggles, but I have been given the ability to help see what she needs as a student and to work with those individually. So many times as a classroom teacher I would notice things and just not have the time and resources to do justice to 25 individuals. It was sad to me as a teacher and mother. I am grateful that right now my daughter has just one student to wait on -- herself. I am grateful for a home schooled education and for the blessing of being able to instill values into our curriculum that align with principles we hold to. Each day we speak of knowledge and why it is so important. Each day we are blessed to spend the day learning together. I am grateful for this.

Today's Gratitude 7-8-9

I thought maybe today would be a good day to start out the day catching up on gratitudes. I've got a lot on my plate at the shop and need to focus there. I'm afraid if I put this off, not only will my gratitudes be behind but so will my Walk with Christ project. The latter is much easier to let linger as the extra days have benefited that project. However, for me to truly find 365 days of gratitude -- I need to stay on top of that.

I've noticed around the web that there are several of these projects out there -- one that for scrappers (like me) has you taking a picture of the daily gratitude to accompany the thought. This seems like an awesome project (maybe for next year -- this year's life is crowded).

Gratitude number 7/365 - I would find it uncomfortable to live in a world in where I had no person to thank - Rosamunde Pilcher, Winter Solstice (loved this thought - found it on an e-mail today.)

Gratitude 8/365 - Fridays! I'm grateful today that it is Friday (now I need to remember I used this one once. I want a different gratitude each day - no reruns!!!). Even though the shop is open tomorrow and its not really the beginning of a relaxing weekend. It is the day that my dd and I kick back after work with a pile of food and a movie. Fondly referred to as "Camp-out Night" where we eat on the picnic blanket and sleep on the picnic blanket and watch movies until we drop off from exhaustion. I started this tradition a few years ago when funds were tight and we needed a 'weekend' feel to life. It has become special to all of us -- maybe more so now that we are just the two of us. Today's gratitude is being grateful for Friday, for camp-out night and for special time with my daughter.

Gratitude 9/365 - This is my gratitude for today (being current now -- and actually having to deal with this as I write) talkative 7 year olds. Even though she's often off track and not focused on what she is supposed to be doing, it is a delight to hear the sound of her voice. Her childlike voice and chatter will not be around long. At 7 I can already see the interests begin to change. I need to remember, in moments of frustration, that these days will one day be forever gone from me and to be grateful for this time. To live each moment with intent. To appreciate childhood more and to record the details so that when the days are long gone I will always have the memories to hold dear and warm me.

Walk Day 3 - Grattitude Day 5/6

I knew I was going to get behind. Yesterday we had bad weather and my dh was working virtually from my store. Trying to be contemplative with extra people around was a bit challenging on top of business and home school. Let's see where today takes me....

Gratitude - for yesterday (Day 5 of 365): Yesterday I was thankful for time with my son. He stopped by on his way home from work. It is kinda fun to have him be mobile now (with his own car) and be able to be blessed with visits from him and time with him. One day he'll be off on his own and each one of these times is precious to me.

Walk Day #2:
QUESTION: Am I seeking Christ's help? - The only way I know -- pray, pray and pray some more!!

READ:
Proverbs 3:5-6 - this is the trust in the Lord with all thy heart scripture. I like to take this one step further to verse 7: "Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil." What great counsel, to trust in the lord and humble yourself and not lean on your own wisdom. This doesn't mean that you don't have value or ability -- but more it means that we need to lean upon the Lord for guidance and direction. Decisions make without the help of the Lord do not typically take us where He wants us to go.

2 Coringthians 12:9-10 -- Verse 10 ("Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.") is especially meaningful to me. In the past few years I have been tested and know this scripture to be very helpful. It is not always easy to bear trials and testing. Often times the natural man asks 'Why me?" Some of my testing took me down that path. It wasn't easy to pray myself to the point where my weaknesses where becoming strenghts. Some where along the path I realized the pains where not what they used to be. The lessons became teaching moments and testimony builders. Faith increased.

Jacob 4:7 - "Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things." Again -- good priniciple to hang on to when trials are working you and molding you to what the Lord wants you to become.

Ether 12:27 - "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Probably one of our more quoted scriptures from the Book of Mormon on this principle. The path is clear here; 1. Come unto Christ 2. To be shown your weakness and be humbled 3. To recieve grace when you humble yourself 4. To have faith and to increase in faith 5. To be made strong through your weaknesses.

PONDER:
How can the Lord help me to overcome my weaknesses? As I look at the shortcomings and stumbling blocks I face now -- and place them at the feet of the Savior, my prayer is that He will show me what I need to learn and where He wants me to grow. My prayer is that I do not just suppose on my own, but truly seek to learn His will -- and then be willing to follow it.


Today's Gratitude: (Day 6 of 365 -- yes I know I'm behind...one of these day I'll add in one here and there and catch up ;) ) Forgiveness - both giving and receiving it. Learning to be humble enough to ask for it and also being gracious enough to give it when asked of you. I think as much gratitude as I need to feel, I also need to feel a stronger need to forgive and seek forgiveness for little things that happen each day.