...after spending almost three month's in my parent's home I am now back in my own little world. Three months changes everything. What was in place when you left is no longer. People fill the void you created in your leaving and move on so that when you come back you aren't sure if you can squeeze back in or not.
My first week back filled up with lunches, catching up with friends and returning to worship and fulfill my callings in my home ward. This was great and even exciting. However, this second week home challeges the core of my character meter as quiet days linger until new norms and patterns fill up what used to be.
The biggest change will be not re-opening my scrapbook store. This will greatly impact my social life while opening up opportunities for my DD (baking, craft work, homeschool groups, etc) which will bring blessings yet to be grateful for. However, it will change what was my comfort zone for so many years.
My first few days home filled up with opportunity to clean, organize and begin to put myself back into my home. My DH did OK(?), its just not the same as when I am here. I also brought back items from my parent's home to incorporate into mine. While at my parent's their belongings were quickly being redistributed or removed leaving that space feeling more and more empty. My home has a sense of life to it. I noticed this almost immediately and wondered long about those two stark contrasts.
This week some baking helps fill space and time. Today DD and I made cheese bread, a recipe of my mom's sister that we used to make together alot. (Note to self: send Aunt B. an e-mail to thank her.) DD and I made plans for a few more creative adventures in the kitchen over the next few weeks.
I went down to scope out one of my nemeseses -- my basement (the other, my garage, will wait until cooler fall days as the heat has already hit here). I was relieved, happily relieved, to see that I might be able to actually handle it. My big summer project is to organize that space, making room for what used to be my store. Its a good summer project keep me in the coolest part of my home and giving me a good, long, involved project to fill my days.
It isn't easy to hang on to motivation during all of this. One step at a time -- one day -- one project and soon what is new will become the norm and there will be a settling and peace that comes from all I have gone through to get to there.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
It's Time To Go Home!
My husband was here with me in Utah for a visit this past week and when I put him on the plane to return to our home yesterday, he reminded me; "Joi, you need to finish up your business and get ready to come home."
It's time, I know it. And I know I won't be ready no matter when I set the return date. I just need to do it. I can't stay, holding on to my emotions, lingering in my parent's home until I think I'm ready. That day just won't happen. I need to move forward. I can't hold time still until I'm ready. Life goes on around me. A daughter-in-law prepares to deliver my first grandchild, while my own daughter contineus to grow and my husband, friends, ward family back in Missouri wait for me to return. I'm the one that is stuck. I'm the one who doesn't want to face the future without my mom and dad.
I spent the past couple of days staging the belongings of my parent's that are now mine. I'm packing up pieces of their life to merge into mine. Its a cycle of life. My parents did this when their parents passed through the veil. I don't even know if that was difficult for them. I never bothered to ask. I should have. I want my children to know this is hard for me. But that you get through it and go forward. I want them to have that faith to hold to because a time will come for them too. They should be able to see their way through to a peaceable place. I have to set that example. I can't get stuck here and leave that example for them.
Sixteen days from today -- the date is set. I should be back to my own home by the first of May. I'm a bit frightened, if truth be told. I just pray that when the times comes, when my husband is here, when the packing and driving commences I will find the joy I need.
It's time, I know it. And I know I won't be ready no matter when I set the return date. I just need to do it. I can't stay, holding on to my emotions, lingering in my parent's home until I think I'm ready. That day just won't happen. I need to move forward. I can't hold time still until I'm ready. Life goes on around me. A daughter-in-law prepares to deliver my first grandchild, while my own daughter contineus to grow and my husband, friends, ward family back in Missouri wait for me to return. I'm the one that is stuck. I'm the one who doesn't want to face the future without my mom and dad.
I spent the past couple of days staging the belongings of my parent's that are now mine. I'm packing up pieces of their life to merge into mine. Its a cycle of life. My parents did this when their parents passed through the veil. I don't even know if that was difficult for them. I never bothered to ask. I should have. I want my children to know this is hard for me. But that you get through it and go forward. I want them to have that faith to hold to because a time will come for them too. They should be able to see their way through to a peaceable place. I have to set that example. I can't get stuck here and leave that example for them.
Sixteen days from today -- the date is set. I should be back to my own home by the first of May. I'm a bit frightened, if truth be told. I just pray that when the times comes, when my husband is here, when the packing and driving commences I will find the joy I need.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
A Peaceable Walk With the Children of Men..
This line comes from the quote on my blog header. I've been thinking about this alot lately as it has had application in several areas of my present days.
Over the past couple of weeks my brother, sister and I have been sorting our parent's temporal belongings. I have heard from many that this can be a challenging experience and tests the relationships of siblings. In my case, there was only peace. I don't think for a moment feelings were hurt in any way. I know my parents are pleased with what has taken place as they look upon the world they left and have watched how their children have dealt peaceably with one another.
In another set of circumstances this verse from Moroni lays heavy upon my heart as I am called upon yet again to find this virtue and apply the crucial principles. I find myself in this space more than I ever thought possible for one soul. I am troubled with a heavy decision and know that no progress can happen until I come to a peaceable place within.
As I look back upon previous posts I see a thread that has been present in my walk. A quote that I posted some time back struck me hard today. Here's a re-post:
The greatest need of this old world today is peace. The turbulent storms of hate, of enmity, of distrust, and of sin are threatening to wreck humanity. It is time for men—true men—to dedicate their lives to God, and to cry with the spirit and power of the Christ, ‘Peace, be still…. ‘ (Mark 4:39.)” (David O. McKay, Gospel Ideals, p.295).
I pray for a stillness and peace to lay a gentle blanket upon my soul and wrap me tenderly in a resolve stronger than I have had before. That no matter the out-come of the decision made -- peace, truth, and a stillness that connects me to the healing balm of the Master's touch will strengthen me and help me through.
Over the past couple of weeks my brother, sister and I have been sorting our parent's temporal belongings. I have heard from many that this can be a challenging experience and tests the relationships of siblings. In my case, there was only peace. I don't think for a moment feelings were hurt in any way. I know my parents are pleased with what has taken place as they look upon the world they left and have watched how their children have dealt peaceably with one another.
In another set of circumstances this verse from Moroni lays heavy upon my heart as I am called upon yet again to find this virtue and apply the crucial principles. I find myself in this space more than I ever thought possible for one soul. I am troubled with a heavy decision and know that no progress can happen until I come to a peaceable place within.
As I look back upon previous posts I see a thread that has been present in my walk. A quote that I posted some time back struck me hard today. Here's a re-post:
The greatest need of this old world today is peace. The turbulent storms of hate, of enmity, of distrust, and of sin are threatening to wreck humanity. It is time for men—true men—to dedicate their lives to God, and to cry with the spirit and power of the Christ, ‘Peace, be still…. ‘ (Mark 4:39.)” (David O. McKay, Gospel Ideals, p.295).
I pray for a stillness and peace to lay a gentle blanket upon my soul and wrap me tenderly in a resolve stronger than I have had before. That no matter the out-come of the decision made -- peace, truth, and a stillness that connects me to the healing balm of the Master's touch will strengthen me and help me through.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Farewell Mom and Dad
Loss and grief have become my constant companions so far this year. Before the year was much more than 21 days old my father passed through the veil into the spirit world. Now 19 days into February and mom is gone on as well. It is hard for the soul to gather around this kind of pain and loss.
Now as I wander about my parent's eathly home, rummaging amoung the belongings of their former life there is much to do and much more to ponder upon. My parents are wonderful people, my mom in particular. And I am wondering how I will put all these material possessions and all the memories into a place that will carry me forward until we meet again.
As difficult as it will be to put my mom into the ground for her body to await the resurrection and reunion of her spirit, it will be equally difficult to close up this home that has been a refuge to many for 31 years. As we go through the house, taking bits and pieces of Wes and Charlene and spreading it amoung those of us who are left behind I hope and pray that we take more than just the material pieces.
For my parents were much, much more. Mom, in patricular, was a wonderful example of compassion and charity. As Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my mother." This statement is very true for me. The example my mom set as a servant in the kingdom laid a foundation for the service I render in my own part of the vineyard. The example mom was to me as a mother and homemaker carried forward into my home. My husband and children are blessed by the foods and traditions of my childhood. And so it should be. And so I ever pray that this legacy will carry forward into the generations. No possession can be more valueable than the legacy of righteous parents and the gifts of the gospel that were lived and taught in a child's home.
I sat at mom's bedside during her final earthly hours, my heart wishing she could stay while at the same time praying her passing to be swift and peaceful. My mind traveled rappidly between the questions of; "How will we go on without her?" "What will happen to the glue that has kept this family connected these many years?" "What will passing through the veil be like for her?" "And, what will her life be like there?" I prayed for the gift of being with her as she left this world to progess into the world to come. It was a bitter-sweet answer that I received. Gladness and sorrow are interesting companions.
Four days later my mind still clings to that day, to that hour, that moment and to all the unanswered questions that remain with the grief. There can't be anything more comforting to these experiences than the knowledge and testimony I have of the Plan of Salvation. As I stretch to increase my faith to go forward. As I stretch to increase my trust in the Lord and accept His will I know in time, all will be well.
Farewell Mom and Dad. Thank you for the life your gave to me and to all of us.
Now as I wander about my parent's eathly home, rummaging amoung the belongings of their former life there is much to do and much more to ponder upon. My parents are wonderful people, my mom in particular. And I am wondering how I will put all these material possessions and all the memories into a place that will carry me forward until we meet again.
As difficult as it will be to put my mom into the ground for her body to await the resurrection and reunion of her spirit, it will be equally difficult to close up this home that has been a refuge to many for 31 years. As we go through the house, taking bits and pieces of Wes and Charlene and spreading it amoung those of us who are left behind I hope and pray that we take more than just the material pieces.
For my parents were much, much more. Mom, in patricular, was a wonderful example of compassion and charity. As Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my mother." This statement is very true for me. The example my mom set as a servant in the kingdom laid a foundation for the service I render in my own part of the vineyard. The example mom was to me as a mother and homemaker carried forward into my home. My husband and children are blessed by the foods and traditions of my childhood. And so it should be. And so I ever pray that this legacy will carry forward into the generations. No possession can be more valueable than the legacy of righteous parents and the gifts of the gospel that were lived and taught in a child's home.
I sat at mom's bedside during her final earthly hours, my heart wishing she could stay while at the same time praying her passing to be swift and peaceful. My mind traveled rappidly between the questions of; "How will we go on without her?" "What will happen to the glue that has kept this family connected these many years?" "What will passing through the veil be like for her?" "And, what will her life be like there?" I prayed for the gift of being with her as she left this world to progess into the world to come. It was a bitter-sweet answer that I received. Gladness and sorrow are interesting companions.
Four days later my mind still clings to that day, to that hour, that moment and to all the unanswered questions that remain with the grief. There can't be anything more comforting to these experiences than the knowledge and testimony I have of the Plan of Salvation. As I stretch to increase my faith to go forward. As I stretch to increase my trust in the Lord and accept His will I know in time, all will be well.
Farewell Mom and Dad. Thank you for the life your gave to me and to all of us.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Keep Calm and Carry On
Life is anything but calm these days so I had to chuckle at the sign I saw in the store yesterday while shopping for a few things for the house. The sign was a large canvas piece painted pink. Front and center was a crown, through the crown, flowing across the board was the statement; 'Keep Calm -- And Carry On'
I love this. I love anything that speaks of clamness. Especially these days. Especially in the latter-days that seem to be showing its signs everywhere. For some time, I have lived a particular type of chaos. The kind where the Adversary stirs contention in the hearts of man. In my case, its the man(men) within my home. Its subtle at first, as will all his shenanigans. Then like a blow to the gut you realize a serious crisis has occurred and your foundation is shaken. Suddenly a craving for peace and for calmness becomes the main focus of daily life.
In times like this you turn to the only source of peace, the Savior, Jesus Christ.
The words to this hymn express my feelings perfectly:
Be Still My Soul
1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
I love this. I love anything that speaks of clamness. Especially these days. Especially in the latter-days that seem to be showing its signs everywhere. For some time, I have lived a particular type of chaos. The kind where the Adversary stirs contention in the hearts of man. In my case, its the man(men) within my home. Its subtle at first, as will all his shenanigans. Then like a blow to the gut you realize a serious crisis has occurred and your foundation is shaken. Suddenly a craving for peace and for calmness becomes the main focus of daily life.
In times like this you turn to the only source of peace, the Savior, Jesus Christ.
The words to this hymn express my feelings perfectly:
Be Still My Soul
1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
Friday, September 3, 2010
A Disturbance in the Force!
I think that is what you call it when one of your children get married and you aren't quite ready for it to happen.
Weddings, though stressful by nature, are supposed to be grand occassions full of excitement, hope and a fulfillment of dreams. My recent experience with a wedding was not one of this nature. It left me a bit unsettled (hence the disturbance) and concerned. It has also given me a grand opportunity to pray and to apply some principles of faith for this dear child of mine and his new bride.
Before I go on confusing anyone I want to state that my son's wife is a darling young lady that I grew to love quickly. It didn't take long in our getting aquainted period for me to cause her a few bumps due to my beliefs and values and hopes for my son and the differences she and I share. She's been forebearing and I pray forgiving. My desire is for her happiness as well as my son's.
The fact of the matter is, marriage is one of our greatest life challenges. You hope that amid those challenges come many blessings and joys. I want that for both of these sweet young people. I see already how the differences of these two lives have the potential for difficulty. My prayer is that the tests of life will make them stronger and more in love than the day they married.
I hope, that after some time what has caused a disturbance for me will settle in too. I read a sign the other day that speaks to me (I'll paraphrase and hope to run across the author at some point to give proper credit) 'Its not going the distance that is difficult, but that first step into the unknown.' I hope this is the case for all of us as we go into this next season of life.
Weddings, though stressful by nature, are supposed to be grand occassions full of excitement, hope and a fulfillment of dreams. My recent experience with a wedding was not one of this nature. It left me a bit unsettled (hence the disturbance) and concerned. It has also given me a grand opportunity to pray and to apply some principles of faith for this dear child of mine and his new bride.
Before I go on confusing anyone I want to state that my son's wife is a darling young lady that I grew to love quickly. It didn't take long in our getting aquainted period for me to cause her a few bumps due to my beliefs and values and hopes for my son and the differences she and I share. She's been forebearing and I pray forgiving. My desire is for her happiness as well as my son's.
The fact of the matter is, marriage is one of our greatest life challenges. You hope that amid those challenges come many blessings and joys. I want that for both of these sweet young people. I see already how the differences of these two lives have the potential for difficulty. My prayer is that the tests of life will make them stronger and more in love than the day they married.
I hope, that after some time what has caused a disturbance for me will settle in too. I read a sign the other day that speaks to me (I'll paraphrase and hope to run across the author at some point to give proper credit) 'Its not going the distance that is difficult, but that first step into the unknown.' I hope this is the case for all of us as we go into this next season of life.
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