(names changed to protect the innocent or guilty -- as the case may be)
Hi Friend,
I was hoping to email before now and plan a day out your way this week, however, on top of everything else my car decided to detour to the repair shop. Yesterday on the way out to where we attend church, my car stalled on the ramp between the two highways. Nice, huh?
Today I saw the card group email detailing an adventure over your way and part of me was like YES!!! Reality is a mean task master though as I realize going to lunch and to a scrapbook store when you don't know how bad the repair damages will be yet will likely add insult to injury.
Rats!!!
It might be the fuel pump, because the engine turned over and nothing electrical (belts) seemed to be the issue. This means draining a full tank of gas
.....bye bye $70 buckssssss............. just to see
Oi Vey!!!
Please Lord, let it be a belt that we just couldn't see yesterday while we were dressed in our Sunday best and huge vehicles passed us on a curve at annoyingly fast speeds -- most of them not even paying a lick of attention to where their vehicle was in relation to a car stalled on the ramp.
Oh, and not one single police came by during the whole time Husband sat with my truck.
Did I say I was on my way to church? Yes, in a skirt. I have to be there early as my job is to conduct the music for our main worship service. Oh dear....let me see..text the Bishop just in case he needs to get me a stand-in.
Luckily, I had the grandbaby with me. Lucky? Yes, because he didn't have any church clothes..just a onesie ..and his parents were supposed to meet me at my house with his things....ummm...tick tick...gotta jet..can't be late...
I'm loading up, and they aren't here yet..of course..
They pull up while I am pulling out...we do a switcharoo...and I am ahead of them by 5 minutes.
I stall.
I call..
Son zooms up behind my stall vehicle (is zoom a fast enough word for how fast he drives normally added to the fact that I CAN'T be late??????????). They have a tiny car...the car seat is between daughter and me...we super-zoom off.....
Blessing! I make it in time, albeit a bit rattled. Son drops me off and is supposed to head back to help husband/dad (who is questionably patiently awaiting his own rescue along with instructions for what to do with MY vehicle.)
Hmmm...what's this I see as I look out into the congregation while I am conducting? Oh yes, my son..harrummphhhhh...
Husband's face looks like a raccoon.
The car's in the shop.
It's Monday and I'm stranded.
Guess what?
Yup....Grandson is here....and its 12:54...no sound or sign of his mom and dad....
**********end of letter to poor friend********
Its like this sometimes, but I think only at my house. I really believe that at times. I think others have an easy path and mine is mired with muck and debris that I have to wade through before I can get back on that path from which I want to navigate life.
Yesterday didn't help matters. It didn't help me feel those loving peaceful arms I need to feel at this point in my life. A point where my plate continues to feel loaded with burdensome trials, some of which do not belong to me.
Today I woke up with that junky, not so sore but somethings up kinda feeling in my throat. I try not to let negativity settle in. I get my little ones going, hop in the shower myself and start the day. Ok..no so bad.
I'll practice my piano lesson. Ick! What is this! Do I have to play this song. I don't like it. I quit. Pass the piano off to my daughter so she can prepare for her lesson.
Now what...that's right. I'll go check my budget to see where I can rock/roll the funds this pay period Oh mmmm, yeah, depressing.
Nevermind, go sit at the computer and blog for a bit -- maybe the cloud will move and things will change.
The repair shop said, 'Looks like the timing belt' Long dead pause....
This is NOT peace.
Off to pray -- will be back when I am not crying.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
A New Kind of Peace
Small, sweet smelling, sometimes fussy, most times precious...a new baby.
A little wonder made his way into our lives, hearts and homes at the end of last month. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the whole "Grand" mom, ma, mother,..uhg! thing. My comment for the past nine months has been, 'I'm too young to be a grandma!" Well, I am, but...
Something happens to you that just as with parenthood, no current grand can explain to you. You have to experience it just as a parent cannot feel what that is like via another parent's explanation -- no matter how eloquently spoken.
For me, it was the blessing of being the 'night shift' care taker for the little one. I would come in at night to sit with the baby to let his mama rest. It wasn't an easy job, physically. I am old enough to know that sleep isn't something you can just go without and not pay for. However, it was a precious sacrifice. The night time with a newborn is a sweet time. Rarely do eyes open. Cries bellow out, or whimper out, in this little lad's case. Fists clench. Legs curl and straighten, but eyes are tightly closed. Nourishment is all that is required. Well, that and a new diaper. Not sure they really know what is a worse experience their first days of life..that weird thing on their hiney or that odd feeling in the tummy.
My little grandson has proven to be an amazing soul, already. His daddy was blessed with a new job the week he was born and left for training in another state the week after. This was a hard spot for a new mama to be in, luckily for me, I didn't have anything better to do than sit beside a crib and wait to be needed. The signs of a sweet and patient nature are already present. He reminds me so much of his daddy.
The best gift was four wonderful days with him all to myself. Mom and dad were needing some time together and some support from each other. Nana stepped in and took over baby duties giving the new parents time to ease into this new job of theirs (both the work and the parenthood). It was awesome and tiring and more awesomeness and exhaustion.
From all of this...something wonderful happened...a little person..new to this world..knows me. I can tell by the look on his very young and tiny face when he hears my voice. What an amazing thing. What beautiful peace fills me when we connect this way. He trusts me, he feels comfort and love from me and he expresses joy when we are together. Oh, sure, he still has periods of just plain old baby fussy times. That, in and of itself is a wonder too. Gone are those days of a nervous new mom or wife anxious to have it all together before husband comes home. Gone are the days when the pressure to do all weighed equal to the pressure the baby plied to my day. Now all I need to do is just sit and be.
Peace!
A little wonder made his way into our lives, hearts and homes at the end of last month. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the whole "Grand" mom, ma, mother,..uhg! thing. My comment for the past nine months has been, 'I'm too young to be a grandma!" Well, I am, but...
Something happens to you that just as with parenthood, no current grand can explain to you. You have to experience it just as a parent cannot feel what that is like via another parent's explanation -- no matter how eloquently spoken.
For me, it was the blessing of being the 'night shift' care taker for the little one. I would come in at night to sit with the baby to let his mama rest. It wasn't an easy job, physically. I am old enough to know that sleep isn't something you can just go without and not pay for. However, it was a precious sacrifice. The night time with a newborn is a sweet time. Rarely do eyes open. Cries bellow out, or whimper out, in this little lad's case. Fists clench. Legs curl and straighten, but eyes are tightly closed. Nourishment is all that is required. Well, that and a new diaper. Not sure they really know what is a worse experience their first days of life..that weird thing on their hiney or that odd feeling in the tummy.
My little grandson has proven to be an amazing soul, already. His daddy was blessed with a new job the week he was born and left for training in another state the week after. This was a hard spot for a new mama to be in, luckily for me, I didn't have anything better to do than sit beside a crib and wait to be needed. The signs of a sweet and patient nature are already present. He reminds me so much of his daddy.
The best gift was four wonderful days with him all to myself. Mom and dad were needing some time together and some support from each other. Nana stepped in and took over baby duties giving the new parents time to ease into this new job of theirs (both the work and the parenthood). It was awesome and tiring and more awesomeness and exhaustion.
From all of this...something wonderful happened...a little person..new to this world..knows me. I can tell by the look on his very young and tiny face when he hears my voice. What an amazing thing. What beautiful peace fills me when we connect this way. He trusts me, he feels comfort and love from me and he expresses joy when we are together. Oh, sure, he still has periods of just plain old baby fussy times. That, in and of itself is a wonder too. Gone are those days of a nervous new mom or wife anxious to have it all together before husband comes home. Gone are the days when the pressure to do all weighed equal to the pressure the baby plied to my day. Now all I need to do is just sit and be.
Peace!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Can Peace Be Found in Transition Times...
...after spending almost three month's in my parent's home I am now back in my own little world. Three months changes everything. What was in place when you left is no longer. People fill the void you created in your leaving and move on so that when you come back you aren't sure if you can squeeze back in or not.
My first week back filled up with lunches, catching up with friends and returning to worship and fulfill my callings in my home ward. This was great and even exciting. However, this second week home challeges the core of my character meter as quiet days linger until new norms and patterns fill up what used to be.
The biggest change will be not re-opening my scrapbook store. This will greatly impact my social life while opening up opportunities for my DD (baking, craft work, homeschool groups, etc) which will bring blessings yet to be grateful for. However, it will change what was my comfort zone for so many years.
My first few days home filled up with opportunity to clean, organize and begin to put myself back into my home. My DH did OK(?), its just not the same as when I am here. I also brought back items from my parent's home to incorporate into mine. While at my parent's their belongings were quickly being redistributed or removed leaving that space feeling more and more empty. My home has a sense of life to it. I noticed this almost immediately and wondered long about those two stark contrasts.
This week some baking helps fill space and time. Today DD and I made cheese bread, a recipe of my mom's sister that we used to make together alot. (Note to self: send Aunt B. an e-mail to thank her.) DD and I made plans for a few more creative adventures in the kitchen over the next few weeks.
I went down to scope out one of my nemeseses -- my basement (the other, my garage, will wait until cooler fall days as the heat has already hit here). I was relieved, happily relieved, to see that I might be able to actually handle it. My big summer project is to organize that space, making room for what used to be my store. Its a good summer project keep me in the coolest part of my home and giving me a good, long, involved project to fill my days.
It isn't easy to hang on to motivation during all of this. One step at a time -- one day -- one project and soon what is new will become the norm and there will be a settling and peace that comes from all I have gone through to get to there.
My first week back filled up with lunches, catching up with friends and returning to worship and fulfill my callings in my home ward. This was great and even exciting. However, this second week home challeges the core of my character meter as quiet days linger until new norms and patterns fill up what used to be.
The biggest change will be not re-opening my scrapbook store. This will greatly impact my social life while opening up opportunities for my DD (baking, craft work, homeschool groups, etc) which will bring blessings yet to be grateful for. However, it will change what was my comfort zone for so many years.
My first few days home filled up with opportunity to clean, organize and begin to put myself back into my home. My DH did OK(?), its just not the same as when I am here. I also brought back items from my parent's home to incorporate into mine. While at my parent's their belongings were quickly being redistributed or removed leaving that space feeling more and more empty. My home has a sense of life to it. I noticed this almost immediately and wondered long about those two stark contrasts.
This week some baking helps fill space and time. Today DD and I made cheese bread, a recipe of my mom's sister that we used to make together alot. (Note to self: send Aunt B. an e-mail to thank her.) DD and I made plans for a few more creative adventures in the kitchen over the next few weeks.
I went down to scope out one of my nemeseses -- my basement (the other, my garage, will wait until cooler fall days as the heat has already hit here). I was relieved, happily relieved, to see that I might be able to actually handle it. My big summer project is to organize that space, making room for what used to be my store. Its a good summer project keep me in the coolest part of my home and giving me a good, long, involved project to fill my days.
It isn't easy to hang on to motivation during all of this. One step at a time -- one day -- one project and soon what is new will become the norm and there will be a settling and peace that comes from all I have gone through to get to there.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
It's Time To Go Home!
My husband was here with me in Utah for a visit this past week and when I put him on the plane to return to our home yesterday, he reminded me; "Joi, you need to finish up your business and get ready to come home."
It's time, I know it. And I know I won't be ready no matter when I set the return date. I just need to do it. I can't stay, holding on to my emotions, lingering in my parent's home until I think I'm ready. That day just won't happen. I need to move forward. I can't hold time still until I'm ready. Life goes on around me. A daughter-in-law prepares to deliver my first grandchild, while my own daughter contineus to grow and my husband, friends, ward family back in Missouri wait for me to return. I'm the one that is stuck. I'm the one who doesn't want to face the future without my mom and dad.
I spent the past couple of days staging the belongings of my parent's that are now mine. I'm packing up pieces of their life to merge into mine. Its a cycle of life. My parents did this when their parents passed through the veil. I don't even know if that was difficult for them. I never bothered to ask. I should have. I want my children to know this is hard for me. But that you get through it and go forward. I want them to have that faith to hold to because a time will come for them too. They should be able to see their way through to a peaceable place. I have to set that example. I can't get stuck here and leave that example for them.
Sixteen days from today -- the date is set. I should be back to my own home by the first of May. I'm a bit frightened, if truth be told. I just pray that when the times comes, when my husband is here, when the packing and driving commences I will find the joy I need.
It's time, I know it. And I know I won't be ready no matter when I set the return date. I just need to do it. I can't stay, holding on to my emotions, lingering in my parent's home until I think I'm ready. That day just won't happen. I need to move forward. I can't hold time still until I'm ready. Life goes on around me. A daughter-in-law prepares to deliver my first grandchild, while my own daughter contineus to grow and my husband, friends, ward family back in Missouri wait for me to return. I'm the one that is stuck. I'm the one who doesn't want to face the future without my mom and dad.
I spent the past couple of days staging the belongings of my parent's that are now mine. I'm packing up pieces of their life to merge into mine. Its a cycle of life. My parents did this when their parents passed through the veil. I don't even know if that was difficult for them. I never bothered to ask. I should have. I want my children to know this is hard for me. But that you get through it and go forward. I want them to have that faith to hold to because a time will come for them too. They should be able to see their way through to a peaceable place. I have to set that example. I can't get stuck here and leave that example for them.
Sixteen days from today -- the date is set. I should be back to my own home by the first of May. I'm a bit frightened, if truth be told. I just pray that when the times comes, when my husband is here, when the packing and driving commences I will find the joy I need.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
A Peaceable Walk With the Children of Men..
This line comes from the quote on my blog header. I've been thinking about this alot lately as it has had application in several areas of my present days.
Over the past couple of weeks my brother, sister and I have been sorting our parent's temporal belongings. I have heard from many that this can be a challenging experience and tests the relationships of siblings. In my case, there was only peace. I don't think for a moment feelings were hurt in any way. I know my parents are pleased with what has taken place as they look upon the world they left and have watched how their children have dealt peaceably with one another.
In another set of circumstances this verse from Moroni lays heavy upon my heart as I am called upon yet again to find this virtue and apply the crucial principles. I find myself in this space more than I ever thought possible for one soul. I am troubled with a heavy decision and know that no progress can happen until I come to a peaceable place within.
As I look back upon previous posts I see a thread that has been present in my walk. A quote that I posted some time back struck me hard today. Here's a re-post:
The greatest need of this old world today is peace. The turbulent storms of hate, of enmity, of distrust, and of sin are threatening to wreck humanity. It is time for men—true men—to dedicate their lives to God, and to cry with the spirit and power of the Christ, ‘Peace, be still…. ‘ (Mark 4:39.)” (David O. McKay, Gospel Ideals, p.295).
I pray for a stillness and peace to lay a gentle blanket upon my soul and wrap me tenderly in a resolve stronger than I have had before. That no matter the out-come of the decision made -- peace, truth, and a stillness that connects me to the healing balm of the Master's touch will strengthen me and help me through.
Over the past couple of weeks my brother, sister and I have been sorting our parent's temporal belongings. I have heard from many that this can be a challenging experience and tests the relationships of siblings. In my case, there was only peace. I don't think for a moment feelings were hurt in any way. I know my parents are pleased with what has taken place as they look upon the world they left and have watched how their children have dealt peaceably with one another.
In another set of circumstances this verse from Moroni lays heavy upon my heart as I am called upon yet again to find this virtue and apply the crucial principles. I find myself in this space more than I ever thought possible for one soul. I am troubled with a heavy decision and know that no progress can happen until I come to a peaceable place within.
As I look back upon previous posts I see a thread that has been present in my walk. A quote that I posted some time back struck me hard today. Here's a re-post:
The greatest need of this old world today is peace. The turbulent storms of hate, of enmity, of distrust, and of sin are threatening to wreck humanity. It is time for men—true men—to dedicate their lives to God, and to cry with the spirit and power of the Christ, ‘Peace, be still…. ‘ (Mark 4:39.)” (David O. McKay, Gospel Ideals, p.295).
I pray for a stillness and peace to lay a gentle blanket upon my soul and wrap me tenderly in a resolve stronger than I have had before. That no matter the out-come of the decision made -- peace, truth, and a stillness that connects me to the healing balm of the Master's touch will strengthen me and help me through.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Farewell Mom and Dad
Loss and grief have become my constant companions so far this year. Before the year was much more than 21 days old my father passed through the veil into the spirit world. Now 19 days into February and mom is gone on as well. It is hard for the soul to gather around this kind of pain and loss.
Now as I wander about my parent's eathly home, rummaging amoung the belongings of their former life there is much to do and much more to ponder upon. My parents are wonderful people, my mom in particular. And I am wondering how I will put all these material possessions and all the memories into a place that will carry me forward until we meet again.
As difficult as it will be to put my mom into the ground for her body to await the resurrection and reunion of her spirit, it will be equally difficult to close up this home that has been a refuge to many for 31 years. As we go through the house, taking bits and pieces of Wes and Charlene and spreading it amoung those of us who are left behind I hope and pray that we take more than just the material pieces.
For my parents were much, much more. Mom, in patricular, was a wonderful example of compassion and charity. As Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my mother." This statement is very true for me. The example my mom set as a servant in the kingdom laid a foundation for the service I render in my own part of the vineyard. The example mom was to me as a mother and homemaker carried forward into my home. My husband and children are blessed by the foods and traditions of my childhood. And so it should be. And so I ever pray that this legacy will carry forward into the generations. No possession can be more valueable than the legacy of righteous parents and the gifts of the gospel that were lived and taught in a child's home.
I sat at mom's bedside during her final earthly hours, my heart wishing she could stay while at the same time praying her passing to be swift and peaceful. My mind traveled rappidly between the questions of; "How will we go on without her?" "What will happen to the glue that has kept this family connected these many years?" "What will passing through the veil be like for her?" "And, what will her life be like there?" I prayed for the gift of being with her as she left this world to progess into the world to come. It was a bitter-sweet answer that I received. Gladness and sorrow are interesting companions.
Four days later my mind still clings to that day, to that hour, that moment and to all the unanswered questions that remain with the grief. There can't be anything more comforting to these experiences than the knowledge and testimony I have of the Plan of Salvation. As I stretch to increase my faith to go forward. As I stretch to increase my trust in the Lord and accept His will I know in time, all will be well.
Farewell Mom and Dad. Thank you for the life your gave to me and to all of us.
Now as I wander about my parent's eathly home, rummaging amoung the belongings of their former life there is much to do and much more to ponder upon. My parents are wonderful people, my mom in particular. And I am wondering how I will put all these material possessions and all the memories into a place that will carry me forward until we meet again.
As difficult as it will be to put my mom into the ground for her body to await the resurrection and reunion of her spirit, it will be equally difficult to close up this home that has been a refuge to many for 31 years. As we go through the house, taking bits and pieces of Wes and Charlene and spreading it amoung those of us who are left behind I hope and pray that we take more than just the material pieces.
For my parents were much, much more. Mom, in patricular, was a wonderful example of compassion and charity. As Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my mother." This statement is very true for me. The example my mom set as a servant in the kingdom laid a foundation for the service I render in my own part of the vineyard. The example mom was to me as a mother and homemaker carried forward into my home. My husband and children are blessed by the foods and traditions of my childhood. And so it should be. And so I ever pray that this legacy will carry forward into the generations. No possession can be more valueable than the legacy of righteous parents and the gifts of the gospel that were lived and taught in a child's home.
I sat at mom's bedside during her final earthly hours, my heart wishing she could stay while at the same time praying her passing to be swift and peaceful. My mind traveled rappidly between the questions of; "How will we go on without her?" "What will happen to the glue that has kept this family connected these many years?" "What will passing through the veil be like for her?" "And, what will her life be like there?" I prayed for the gift of being with her as she left this world to progess into the world to come. It was a bitter-sweet answer that I received. Gladness and sorrow are interesting companions.
Four days later my mind still clings to that day, to that hour, that moment and to all the unanswered questions that remain with the grief. There can't be anything more comforting to these experiences than the knowledge and testimony I have of the Plan of Salvation. As I stretch to increase my faith to go forward. As I stretch to increase my trust in the Lord and accept His will I know in time, all will be well.
Farewell Mom and Dad. Thank you for the life your gave to me and to all of us.
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