"Oh No, Not Again..."

A couple years ago my little one, running wildly down the sidewalk as was prone to do, tripped over a bump in an uneven section and tumbled to her knees. Bloody and bruised and teary we managed to get through the ordeal. Then just a few days later, in the driveway, it happened again. As the tumble started I heard the words, "Oh no! Not again!" The realization that a crash was about to occur prompted the exclamation. Grief was unavoidable again. That cry of pain she expressed has not left me to this day. My heart broke for her. She knew. She saw it coming and cried out. It happens at times, grief. It trips you over, knocking the wind from you. As you go down you hear the fated words expel forth..."oh no! Not again!" You see it happening and you are powerless to stop it. Suddenly its clear that pain and damage are going to happen and like an out of body experience you watch it happen -- unable to prevent it. It happened to me -- again. Just like the tumble of my little child. Only it wasn't just my knees. It was my whole world. I could see it crumble and I couldn't figure out how to stop it. When it hit I was sick inside and I was furious. I said enough. Not this time. No more. Then God said otherwise. This was not a bruised knee that would be relatively easy to heal. This was a wound of the heart and these do not heal as quickly as you would sometimes like. In fact, I was struggling with the last time. How could I possibly go through this again and be whole? If there is anything I do know, when God asks something of you -- you don't say no. I offered forgiveness and began to pray. Harder than I have ever prayed before. I asked for my eyes to open that I might see what I have not seen before. I asked to be taught what I could not learn before. I asked to feel what I could not feel before. I prayed to believe. I prayed for peace. Slowly, like dawn breaking through the darkest night God opened the way. Though my heart, full of old scar tissue, still damaged from the past, I was shown how to truly love and forgive and where to find the peace and strength I needed. He showed me that love, forgiveness and peace could be found. I didn't expect this gift. I'd been in this place before. It wasn't my first fall. Recovery can be very slow and very painful. Yet somehow, though my obedience and my faith, I found what I had been longing for. Strength. And growth. I knew that in order for me to endure what was ahead of me, I needed to increase. Increase my capacities of charity, love, forgiveness. I needed to be a peacemaker. I needed to set aside my feelings and put someone else ahead of me. This was not an easy task. I didn't want my willingness to forgive to be misconstrued into making light of the injury. It wasn't something I could just shrug off as if it didn't matter. It mattered hugely. This time, I chose to handle how it mattered differently.